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Sunday, May 17, 2009

Exclusive Interviews with Astana Riders!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite the fact that Johan Bruyneel has expressly forbidden ....errrr....told the riders on Team Astana that he would be the sole spokesperson regarding the ongoing controversy over the fact THAT MANY OF THE RIDERS HAVE NOT BEEN PAID IN MONTHS; This earnest blogger was able to get exclusively exclusive interviews with many of the team members on their thoughts about the situation.

Through mental telepathy, Twitter, many non-facts and untruths, along with good old stick-to-itiveness; I am able to bring YOU, the readers, into the minds of Team Astana. And here's what they have to say! If you consider my innuendos, conjectures, and biting wit to be at all reliable.

Lance Armstrong via TweetDeck: "I'm Lance Armstrong!"

Levi Leipheimer from the laboratory where they are tweaking his settings to tone down the wheel sucking mode and increase the attack mode. "Danger, Danger Will Robinson! Always stay in contact with leaders. Danger! Exceeding 2 meter seperation- close gap." )said in a computerized, robotic voice)

Alberto Contador "I have had multiple offers, so I'm not too concerned about whether or not Astana sinks or not. It will allow me to get get a fresh start" When asked if Contador wanted to get away from two rather large egos on the team; he was too classy to name names, but did point to a livestrong bracelet he has been forced to wear and gave me a...wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

Alexander Vinokourov "My country is saving all of those monies for my glorious return! God bless Kazakhstan!" This blogger was able to track down Vino to his lovely home (a corregated tin shack that he shares with his sister/wife and donkey. His entire family then proceeded to sing the Kazakh National Anthem to me.)

Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.

Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
It’s length thirty meter and width six meter.
Filtration system a marvel to behold.
It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.
Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
They very nosey people with bone in their brain.

Kazakhstan industry best in the world.
We incented toffee and trouser belt.
Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
Except of course Turkmenistan’s

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.
Come grasp the might phenis of our leader.
From junction with the testes to tip of its face!

Chris Horner: "Hee hee....I get to ride my bike all day every day! My life is great! Money would be nice, sure, but fer sure the bike is where it's at!"

Lance Armstrong via TweetDeck: "Good morning to you too. Btw, I am racing for free (no salary) in order to bring added exposure to the global cancer fight." This one I swear to god is true.

Yaroslav Popovych: "In my country we get paid in beets, here with Astana I get paid with bikes. I am getting tired and sick of the always dragging of the Lance Armstrong up the mountains though."

Andreas Kloden

(Literally- Kloden, in that stoic, Germanic way of his said nothing.)

So in a nutshell- Pat McQuaid is going to Kazakhstan on May 31, if the Kazakh Federation hasn't done anything by then, and he is going to wimper and whine and probably end up in a Kazakh prison where he will become a dude named Akmetzhan's bitch.


sansen said...

Hey, what did Haimar Zubeldia have to say?

Helen said...

Aww, love the photo you've used, it's Dani Navarro :D

Hehe, Alberto to Caisse please