Whose Gloucester video is better?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Giro Stage 17 Details 5-27-09

Yes- this is where I have officially jumped the shark
This post has been brought to you by the Guinea Pig Rescue of California (GPRC)

Setting: Mount Vesuvius
Bot -Team Faded
Old Man- Team Faded
Smiley- Robbobank

Old man looks back over his shoulder desperately seeking the robot code named Levi Lameheimer.

Old Man: Bot! Where are you? I can't do this shit anymore. I tried sticking my cane in his spokes, but he was too fast.

Smiley: Unbreakable union of freeborn republics

Great Russia has welded forever to stand!
Created in struggle by will of the peoples
United and mighty, our Soviet Union!


Sing to the Motherland, home of the free,
Bulwark of people, in brotherhood strong!
Oh! Party of Lenin! The strength of the people.
To Communism's triumph lead us on!
Old Man: WTF! BOT! BOT! Where are you?

BOT: Please hold for a very important message. 
Danger Will Robinson! Does not compute! 
Why did that shloog throw water on my circuit board. 
Johan! Reboot! Reboot!

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Sir Lance and Levibot Interview Captain America

So poor DZ is sandwiched between the two of the biggest egos in cycling. DZ discusses the advantages if DZ Nuts Chamois Cream. Additionally, he may be introducing a new product specifically for female riders called DZ Lips. Ewwwwww........

Lance and Levi Talk to Dave Zabriskie -- powered by http://www.livestrong.com

Monday, May 18, 2009

Winsted Woods Root 66 Series 5-17-09

Mountain Bike Races are OK. But I just can't get behind them as much as I can Road or Cross. Nevertheless, we did have a good time. Jon came in 3d in Cat 2 (Used to be called Sport Cat)

Anywho- here are race hilights as seen through the lens of Maggie's Sony Cybershot.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Exclusive Interviews with Astana Riders!!!!!!!!!!!!

Despite the fact that Johan Bruyneel has expressly forbidden ....errrr....told the riders on Team Astana that he would be the sole spokesperson regarding the ongoing controversy over the fact THAT MANY OF THE RIDERS HAVE NOT BEEN PAID IN MONTHS; This earnest blogger was able to get exclusively exclusive interviews with many of the team members on their thoughts about the situation.

Through mental telepathy, Twitter, many non-facts and untruths, along with good old stick-to-itiveness; I am able to bring YOU, the readers, into the minds of Team Astana. And here's what they have to say! If you consider my innuendos, conjectures, and biting wit to be at all reliable.

Lance Armstrong via TweetDeck: "I'm Lance Armstrong!"

Levi Leipheimer from the laboratory where they are tweaking his settings to tone down the wheel sucking mode and increase the attack mode. "Danger, Danger Will Robinson! Always stay in contact with leaders. Danger! Exceeding 2 meter seperation- close gap." )said in a computerized, robotic voice)

Alberto Contador "I have had multiple offers, so I'm not too concerned about whether or not Astana sinks or not. It will allow me to get get a fresh start" When asked if Contador wanted to get away from two rather large egos on the team; he was too classy to name names, but did point to a livestrong bracelet he has been forced to wear and gave me a...wink, wink, nudge, nudge."

Alexander Vinokourov "My country is saving all of those monies for my glorious return! God bless Kazakhstan!" This blogger was able to track down Vino to his lovely home (a corregated tin shack that he shares with his sister/wife and donkey. His entire family then proceeded to sing the Kazakh National Anthem to me.)

Kazakhstan greatest country in the world.
All other countries are run by little girls.
Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium.
Other countries have inferior potassium.

Kazakhstan home of Tinshein swimming pool.
It’s length thirty meter and width six meter.
Filtration system a marvel to behold.
It remove 80 percent of human solid waste.

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.
Kazakhstan friend of all except Uzbekistan.
They very nosey people with bone in their brain.

Kazakhstan industry best in the world.
We incented toffee and trouser belt.
Kazakhstan’s prostitutes cleanest in the region.
Except of course Turkmenistan’s

Kazakhstan, Kazakhstan you very nice place.
From Plains of Tarashek to Norther fence of Jewtown.
Come grasp the might phenis of our leader.
From junction with the testes to tip of its face!

Chris Horner: "Hee hee....I get to ride my bike all day every day! My life is great! Money would be nice, sure, but fer sure the bike is where it's at!"

Lance Armstrong via TweetDeck: "Good morning to you too. Btw, I am racing for free (no salary) in order to bring added exposure to the global cancer fight." This one I swear to god is true.

Yaroslav Popovych: "In my country we get paid in beets, here with Astana I get paid with bikes. I am getting tired and sick of the always dragging of the Lance Armstrong up the mountains though."

Andreas Kloden

(Literally- Kloden, in that stoic, Germanic way of his said nothing.)

So in a nutshell- Pat McQuaid is going to Kazakhstan on May 31, if the Kazakh Federation hasn't done anything by then, and he is going to wimper and whine and probably end up in a Kazakh prison where he will become a dude named Akmetzhan's bitch.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

VdV is optimistic about the TdF

Even though he describes the pain as horrible; something he would not wish on his worst enemy, Christian VdV is optimistic about starting the Tour de France. He also says that Garmin Slipstream will be issuing an official statement when all of the MRIs, x-rays, etc etc etc have been analyzed.

He sounded good in the interview he gave to the two schlubs who are commentating on Universal. A little Logey, but upbeat. Check out this interview from today.

Congrats to Smiley. And sorry girls I can't feel the love for Lovkvist. He just looks creepy to me. 

As I told Helen my pics for this Giro are:

Any order

Monday, May 11, 2009

Speedy Recovery Wishes for VdV

photo: Garmin Slipstream

We are all devastated by Christian’s crash today at Stage three of the 2009 Giro D’Italia. The news so far is sketchy and somewhat conflicting. Please send your thoughts and prayers to VdV and his family. He is a tough guy, but this is just a tragedy. Shows us how dangerous cycling truly is and how fragile we all are. Speedy recovery to you Christian! Your fans are all behind you and want you to take care of YOU right now. The team will do you proud. Our hopes are for your triumphant return for the TdF. 

1) VALDOBBIADENE, Italy, May 11 (Reuters) - Christian Vande Velde of the Garmin-Slipstream team broke two ribs in a fall on Monday's Giro d'Italia third stage and is out of the race, organisers said.

The American, who wore the leader's jersey after the first stage of last year's race, was taken to hospital after tumbling late on.

Team mate David Zabriskie, also involved in the crash, picked himself up and finished the stage. (Writing by Mark Meadows in Milan; Editing by Sonia Oxley; To comment on this story: sportsfeedback@thomsonreuters.com)

2)Crash, injuries force Christian Vande Velde to withdraw from Giro d'Italia

By Philip Hersh | Tribune reporter

12:34 PM CDT, May 11, 2009

Cyclist Christian Vande Velde of Lemont sustained two broken ribs and bruises on his lower back and pelvis in a Monday crash that forced him to withdraw from the Giro d'Italia, according to his father, John.

Vande Velde and
Garmin-Slipstream teammate David Zabriskie, also a U.S. rider, fell in the 87th mile of the 123-mile stage. Zabriskie was able to finish the stage, but VandeVelde was taken in an ambulance to a hospital for x-rays.

The big question now is whether Vande Velde will be able to recover in time for the July 4 start of the Tour de France, for which he was using the Giro to get into shape.

Vande Velde, 32, finished fourth at the 2008 Tour de France, during which a crash in one of the last week's stages probably cost him a place on the podium.

The race moves into the Dolomite Mountains Tuesday.

3)  Christian Vande Velde was forced to withdraw from the race after being involved in a crash with Garmin-Slipstream team-mate David Zabriskie at the 140km mark.

Vande Velde, who finished fifth in last year's Tour de France, was taken to a local hospital to be checked out, while Zabriskie was able to remount and rejoin the pack.

4) Christian Vande Velde down in a crash near the 60 km mark. He’s holding his back and looking to be in pain. LPR and Katusha have taken over the head of the peloton. The gap drops to 2′18″. The gruppo looks to really be working now. They may want to catch the escapees before the day’s first rated climb at the 42 km mark.

We learn that CVV attempts to get back on his bike, but quickly stops and ends up retiring from the race. He’ll be heading to the hospital for an x-ray of his lower back.

5) Team Garmin-Slipstream’s sprinter Tyler Farrar continued to show strong form and presence in a tricky sprint finish on the third stage of the Giro d’Italia, nearly taking out the stage win just behind Alessandro Petacchi. But his second place on the stage moved him up to second place overall and earned him the white jersey for best young rider!

What’s more is that Farrar broke his rear derailleur cable in the massive pile-up with 10km to go in the stage — meaning that he had to get back up to speed and then battle for wheels entirely in his 11!

Unfortunately, a crash earlier in the stage put team captain Christian Vande Velde on the ground. He was taken to the hospital along with the team’s medical staff where he was diagnosed with two broken ribs and a severe contusion and sprain to his mid-back. He will return to Girona as soon as possible for further examination and rehabilitation.

Check back with
slipstreamsports.com for more updates and a full report from stage 3!

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Cipoo's Back! (Again)

So Super Mario is now the "Performance Manager" of the new ISD cycling team. I can hear the conversations now. 'OK boys, now it's time to hop on our bikes and light up a Newport." I'm just guessing that Cippo smokes menthols. Seems fitting. 

Cippo: brainwashing- err....molding the young minds of ISD

Here's Cippo giving some "Performance" advice to some poor shlub on ISD. I guarantee that he had something to do with the kit as well. What's up with the ribs on the back? Do they want to look like emaciated chicken boy? Why not make him "Entertainment Manager" too? Or, perhaps "Fashion Advisor?"

Funny thing is when Cippo came back last year it was to work with Rock Racing's Michael Ball. Talk about the clash of the super egos. My understanding at the time was that Cippo was going to work on setting up the European version of RR's roster of thugs and felons. I am just going to take a stab in the dark here and guess that Cippo and Ball couldn't stand being in the same room together.

ISD did get some good camera time with Leonardo Scarselli's suicidal breakaway. I'm thinking that Cippo threatened him with torture if he didn't get that ugly ass team kit out there for the cameras. Is Cippo above waterboarding? You decide.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Why Cav Should Return to the Isle of Shut Your Pie Hole

photo: Bettini

Cav is an arrogant jerk- read the following quote:

  1. Well Young Sir Cav....hmmmmmm........I would consider it disrespectful to leave the Tour de France in the middle to go and train for the Olympics. That's just me.
  2. Who the hell are you,  Mr. 24-year-old know it all, to be dissing other teams anyway? 
  3. Markie Mark- You should always be sure that brain is engaged before shifting mouth into gear. As evidenced by his half-hearted retraction below.
  4. Someone needs to take this dude down big time! Where's Theo Bos when I need him?? No, that's not nice. (but I still would like to see him get a Bos pulled on him.)
  5. Unrelated, but why can't Tommeke stay away from coke? I'm starting to think he might need some time at the Betty Ford Clinic.
  6. Also unrelated are IBD, or whatever the hell they're called, kits the ugliest you have ever seen or what? OMG!

Asked if he enjoyed beating Garmin-Slipstream, Cavendish hesitated before answering. "Sure... who wouldn't? Doesn't matter who was second; as long as we won, we were happy.

I do not heart you, Mr. Cavendish. You sir, are a jerk.
"I want to take this opportunity to clear up what I said yesterday. It wasn't [directed] at the whole team, just the comments by the director. The riders are really, really good guys. I maybe regretted [what I said] towards the riders, but what I said... I think a lot of people think that," he laughed.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Name this pirate

photo: @mickrogers Twitter

Thursday, May 7, 2009

VdV in the NYT!

photo: John Gress for The New York Times

Bad news: another Christian may be a doper; Christian Phunberger (or something like that) for Team Katusha. The sneezing team's rider has been pulled out of the Giro after failing a doping test.

Question of the day: Is Johan Bruyneel a doper? I mean, how else can you explain all of his successes as a DS, above and beyond everyone else? Does CONI, WADI, or any other acronym ever check Directors for dope? Should they? I'll leave you, the reader, to decide.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

More reasons why Jeremy Powers Rocks

Several months ago I introduced you all to the awesomeness that is J-Pow. As many of you are from outside the U.S. and A. I feel the need to revisit this topic. Particularly after recent events allowed me the honor of handing off bottles filled with a yellowish substance (I seriously hope it was HEED, Jeremy) to Jeremy at the Jiminy Peak RR in Western MA. So here we go:

  1. His name just rocks- I know I stated this in an earlier blog post, but seriously can you think of a more awesome name for a pro cyclist? No you can not use any of the crazy nicknames we have come up with, or actual nicknames.
  2. Jeremy is an "International Man of Mystery." I believe that he fights crime in his spare time. 

3. Jeremy rocks the 'Cross world. Literally he rides for Cyclocross World when he's not all hopped up on Sports Beans and Riding for Jelly Belly. Furthermore, the Jelly Belly kit is totally awesome.

4. He didn't mind having an old fart like me handing off water bottles. For all he knew, at my age I could have fallen and broken a hip. But no, Jeremy is so cool that he believes in allowing middle aged, middle school English teaching, cycling fan girls a chance to help their boys. And believe it or not, I think I did a halfway decent job.At least He didn't drop any of the bottles I handed him! This demonstrates his prowess and professionalism as a rider, DEFINITELY NOT my skills at water bottle hand offs.

5. Jeremy gave me a bunch  Jelly Belly Sports Beans to hand out to whoever. This demonstrates his determination to end world hunger. Although I did have one young mother run screaming when I tried to hand some to her baby. Reminder: never take candy from strangers! Teach your children young.
6. Jeremy has been a 'cross phenomenon here in the U.S. and overseas. He has competed against the best and his results rock! Can't wait for Gloucester and Mercer!

You, Jeremy Powers, Rock!