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Sunday, October 19, 2008

Cycling World Rocked With Yet Another Doping Scandal

Paul Sherwen (above) is a former pro cyclist turned cycling commentator. The UCI has just discovered through new testing techniques that he was doping in 1979 while riding for Team Fiat. Says a UCI spokesperson who wishes to remain anonymous, "We always wondered how he could ride those grueling mountain stages so easily, while other riders suffered tremendously. Gripper told us to look into it and we did. Our findings speak for themselves."

Samples of Sherwen's blood and urine that have been saved in a closet (referred to as the "stinky closet" by UCI staff) at UCI since 1979 conclusively indicative a positive for the use of bovine growth hormone. Says Sherwen, "I wanted to ensure my own supply of fresh milk. They always gave us this junk from a box that tasted like shit."

Sherwen has been banned for life from commentating, riding, or even looking at a bicycle. In a statement from his lawyers, the appeal process has already begun.

Where will that leave Versus, and other mediums where Sherwen has become an institution with regard to commentating?

Versus says that it will move on, and it will be business as usual. A spokesperson said at a press conference yesterday, "Phil Liggett (above) has a life time appointment with us; kinda like a Supreme Court Justice, but we would like to bring in a fresh new face. We want to keep the English theme going because those Brits just sound so intelligent."

After a passionate debate between the three final choices, Ryan Seacrest, the late Howard Cosell (they would have had to use a spiritual medium and that would have upped the pricetag) and Helen, Ms. Helen has been signed for a 5 year contract with Versus and will be Phil Liggett's new side-kick. "Her accent is just what we are looking for, and she seems to know what she is talking about when it comes to cycling," says Versus, "So out with the old and in with the new!"

disclaimer: Nothing in this post is in any way, shape or form true. I actually like Paul Sherwen quite a bit. However, I think Helen would make a good commentator too.


Helen said...

Haha! I'd love to be a cycling commentator but I don't think they'd tolerate my off-topic race comments such as 'Well Valverde's legs are looking incredibly tanned and muscular today, wow' or 'Look at those thighs on Cancellara, he could be a human nut cracker with them!'

Maggie said...

I don't know- as the fangirl population swells you might appeal to a growing number of the fan population

Rina said...

Would you explain to me what this is about? tehe

Maggie said...

Hey Rina,
Basically it is about my overactive imagination and love of story telling

sansenmag said...

Please teach Sir Phil how to pronounce "Chipotle" properly.

Rose said...

Chipotle... I figured it was one of those either/or ones. Chipotlee, Chipotlay... near enough's good enough. But then Phil gets pronunciation wrong quite a bit. The Allessandro Valverde one was a little annoying. And the Fabian Cancerella. But heck, it's funny.

Yeah Maggie, the fangirl populace would love some pervey female commentators, but as cycling is still pretty much a man's world, I think you come up against it a little bit. Who knows why, but dudes might think comments like "I love when their jerseys are unzipped and you can see their bare chests, it's hell-hot" as outside of the game. Dunno why, coz Phil talks about how nice a cyclists' legs are from time to time. *shrugs* Double-bloody-standards!

Nikki said...

Helen so rocks. Now I can email both her and Phil. So cool!!!

And I think the comments would be quite fitting if I do say so myself. There is NOTHING wrong with admiring the hard work those men and women put into getting into that shape. Why not comment on it!

Maggie said...

C'mon Rose it's not only straight men who are in to cycling. Gay guys would love Helen's comments too.

Cycling needs change! Let Helen's appointment to Versus be on the vanguard!

I think Chipotle should be pronounced (chə-pōt'lā)
Only in my neck of the woods the last vowel is a long e.

Helen said...

Sir Phil dared to mispronounce Valv's name. I'd slap him every time he mispronounces something, he'd soon get better!
I think if i send a resume to Versus they'd just throw it in the bin, I have niente experience *sigh*

Rina said...

Ahh I see, get it.. Would do tell a story about the bros?