Paul Sherwen (above) is a former pro cyclist turned cycling commentator. The UCI has just discovered through new testing techniques that he was doping in 1979 while riding for Team Fiat. Says a UCI spokesperson who wishes to remain anonymous, "We always wondered how he could ride those grueling mountain stages so easily, while other riders suffered tremendously. Gripper told us to look into it and we did. Our findings speak for themselves."
Samples of Sherwen's blood and urine that have been saved in a closet (referred to as the "stinky closet" by UCI staff) at UCI since 1979 conclusively indicative a positive for the use of bovine growth hormone. Says Sherwen, "I wanted to ensure my own supply of fresh milk. They always gave us this junk from a box that tasted like shit."
Sherwen has been banned for life from commentating, riding, or even looking at a bicycle. In a statement from his lawyers, the appeal process has already begun.
Where will that leave Versus, and other mediums where Sherwen has become an institution with regard to commentating?
Versus says that it will move on, and it will be business as usual. A spokesperson said at a press conference yesterday, "Phil Liggett (above) has a life time appointment with us; kinda like a Supreme Court Justice, but we would like to bring in a fresh new face. We want to keep the English theme going because those Brits just sound so intelligent."
After a passionate debate between the three final choices, Ryan Seacrest, the late Howard Cosell (they would have had to use a spiritual medium and that would have upped the pricetag) and Helen, Ms. Helen has been signed for a 5 year contract with Versus and will be Phil Liggett's new side-kick. "Her accent is just what we are looking for, and she seems to know what she is talking about when it comes to cycling," says Versus, "So out with the old and in with the new!"
disclaimer: Nothing in this post is in any way, shape or form true. I actually like Paul Sherwen quite a bit. However, I think Helen would make a good commentator too.