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Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The History of Cannibalism in the Tour de France: Or How I Take Cyclists' Nicknames to Insinuate Cannibalism Based on No Proof Whatsoever


I have decided to look at Pro Cyclists' nicknames in order to determine in a fair and unbiased manner those cyclists whose nicknames suggest that they have participated in cannibalistic acts to enhance their performance.

The Following is by no means an inclusive list and offers absolutely no proof that these men are cannibals. As always, I will present you with the information and let YOU, the reader, decide.

  1. Eddy Merckx: "The Cannibal" Pretty obvious case of flesh eating here.
  2. Djamolodine Abdoujaparov: "The Terminator" What is he terminating? Shloogs??!!
  3. Robert Alban: "Ban-Ban" Rhymes with bon-bon. A little too close for comfort.
  4. Francisco Cabelo: "Paco" Rhymes with taco. You decide
  5. Claudio Chiapucci: "Il Diablo" Anyone who is called the devil could possibly have a taste for human flesh.
  6. Mario Cipollini: "The Florentine Mouth" So he must like human flesh with spinach.
  7. Edgar Corredor: "Condorito" What do Condors eat I ask you?
  8. Laurent Fignon: "Le Professeur" Hannibal Lecter was a "professeur" too!
  9. Raphael Geminiani: "Le Grande Fusil" So this guy must have used a big gun in his hunting.
  10. Jose Gonzalez: "The Man with 8 Women" Wow- so this guy prefers gender specific meals.
  11. Bernard Hinault: "The Badger" The picture in a previous post pretty much proves this guy eats human flesh.
  12. Jose Jiminez: "El Chaba" This means "gross." Imagine what it must have been like to watch this guy eat?
  13. Ron Kiefel: "Wookie" 1) Rhymes with cookie 2) I wonder what exactly Chewbaca ate in those Star Wars movies? 
  14. Greg LeMonde: "The Monster" Pretty self explanatory.
  15. Stuart O'Grady: "Stuey" STEW-y. Get it?
  16. Marco Pantani: "Diabolino" I don't care if you are just a "little devil" Devils eat human flesh.
  17. Michel Pollentier: "Pollo" Is that what we taste like, Michel?
  18. Lucien Pothier: "The Butcher of Sens" Wow! No arguing this one folks. Maybe he butchered and O'Grady cooked?
  19. Ivan Quaranta: "The Cheetah" His hunting style perhaps?
  20. Francois Simon: "Spud" He must like potatoes on the side.
  21. Richard Virenque: "Spotted Dick" An English pudding or........EEEWWWWW!
  22. Sean Yates: "The Animal" Yes, I'm thinking that could suggest cannibalism.
  23. Just for laughs I Googled the term Hannibal and cyclists. Guess what popped up? A rash of cycling "accidents" has occurred recently in Hannibal, Missouri. Oh No! Isn't Christian VandeVelde from Missouri. Please Christian say it isn't so! 
  24. Cannibal Australia: Honest to Goodness- this is a Cycling Gear Co. Do you think "You-Know-Who" shops there?
Well I have presented my case (based on very flimsy evidence and hearsay) that some Pro Cyclists' nicknames suggest that they are, in fact, cannibals.

Now Dear Readers: You Decide!

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