Whose Gloucester video is better?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

10 Things to Love about the 2008 Tour

10 Things to Love About the 2008 Tour by Daniel Frieb Features Editor: ProCycling

Thank you for sharing this link, Anonymous. My faves of the top 10 are:

#3 "Andy Schleck. Or, roughly translated cycling caviar."

Go Andy! 
Cadel, Maybe the Olympics are more your style. Definitely won't get the same coverage, so maybe Serge can take a vaca.

Have I Been Fair and Balanced in My Treatment Of:

OK- I have been doing some soul searching. I have come to the conclusion that I have treated a certain someone very shabbily within the contents of this blog. I would like to extend my sincerest apologies to..................BERNARD KOHL!!!!  Ha ha ha! You thought I was going to say Cadel Evans, didn't you? 

Bernard, I am truly sorry for comparing you to those two kittens. I certainly have never won any beauty contests (although I do have a tiara and a sash that I wear around the house sometimes.) Bernard, you are one of the best, and I had no right to make fun of you. 

BERNARD KOHL ROCKS!  cadel evans does not.

PS I closed the Poll on Bernard Kohl and the kittens. My conscience bothered me. We'll leave it as is. Bernard is tied with Kitten #1 for Best Looking.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Evidence That People All Over the World LOVE Andy Schleck

  1. Frank and Andy Schleck Italian Fan Club - Notice that in none of the images of this video does Andy hit, swat at, or threaten any of the people around him. (Unlike a Bike Racer whose initials are C.E.)
  2. U.K. and Ireland Supporters of Frank and Andy Schleck- This site isn't quite built yet, but its creation is indicative of the love that the Brits and Irish feel for Andy.
  3. Frank & Andy Schleck- Brothers in Wheels- Nice Photo montage that shows love for Andy and no evidence of cannibalism. 
  4. Andy- The title of the song is appropriately "Andy."  This one is my personal fave! People everywhere are jumping on the Schleckmobile! Go Andy! You Rock! 
  5. Andy Accepting the Maillot Blanco in Tour '08 - The announcers are speaking Spanish, so obviously Spain loves Andy.
  6. L'Alpe D'Huez 2008 Tour de France- Notice Andy's fluency (and cute smile) as he effortlessly climbs the Tour's most formidable mountain. Not once does he stop to eat a shloog! Who is that guy in the Silence Lotto Jersey who is struggling behind him? Oh, it's Cadel Evans. 
More evidence that Andy Schleck is the Best Cyclist in the Universe and that Cadel Evans is not. Do your own youtube search on you know who, you will see that it is mostly videos of him hitting reporters and fans and threatening to cut off people's heads. 

Australian Cyclists who DO Rock!

From Top to Bottom: Phil Anderson, Simon Gerrans, Robbie McEwen, Stuart O'Grady. These guys (unlike Cadel Evans) Have proven that they rock. See below for the reasons that they rock. Please understand they I have presented these men in this order for purely alphabetical reasons. (It's not me it's my OCD.) Also, a gentle reminder to any person who has nothing better to do than to read this silly blog; although I do try to base all of my entries on fact, there is some poetic license thrown in. Remember this site's primary mission is to demonstrate why Andy Schleck rocks, and Cadel Evans does not. 

Phil Anderson:
  1. Phillip Warren Anderson is an American Physicist who made huge contributions in the fields of localization, antiferromagnetism, and high temperature superconductivity. (WHOOPS! WRONG PHIL ANDERSON!) Truly sorry, as Phil Anderson is probably the  greatest Australian cyclist.
  2. Philip Grant Anderson was born in 1958 and holds the unique honor of being the first non-European cyclist to hold the Yellow Jersey of the Tour de France.
  3. Nicknames: "Skippy" and "Dr. Teeth." Hmmmm......Wonder if that has anything to do with the history of cannibalism in the Tour?
  4. Phil Came away from the 1982 Tour de France with the White Jersey for Best Young Rider. (JUST LIKE ANDY SCHLECK DID THIS YEAR! Yay!)
  5. Phil Anderson was the highest placed Australian finisher of le Tour until Cadel Evans' 2nd place finish in 2007. (what a coincidence- Cadel came in 2nd again this year. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.  Poor Cadel.)
  6. Phil had 2 career Stage wins in the Tour de France. Go Phil!

Simon Gerrans:
  1. Twenty-eight years old, but is not too proud to wear braces. Cool!
  2. Won Stage 15 in the 2008 Tour de France. Go Simon!
  3. No indications to date of anger management issues (unlike you know who.)
  4. 2008 Australian Olympic Team. Good luck Simon! Stick with Stuart O'Grady and you'll be fine.
Robbie McEwen:
  1. Nicknamed "Pocket Rocket" Because of his spectacular sprint finishes. Robbies flies, Cadel trudges.
  2. Robbie is 36-years-old and is not only fast, but nice. I cannot find anything to register on the Anger-Ometer for Robbie. 
  3. Triple winner of the Tour de France's Sprinter's Classification. 
  4. He was a BMX rider before switching to Road Racing. This is cool because the whole BMX culture is cool. Radical Dude!
  5. Sprints to a Stage 1 2007 Tour Win from out of nowhere. This is after he was in a wreck 25k from the finish. I attribute this to his BMX days. This guy understands pain and can suck it up (unlike some people whose "legs hurt and are cramping"- you know who.)
  6. Robbie has ridden the Tour 11 times and has racked up 12 Stage wins. This dude is solid. 
Stuart O'Grady:
  1. Rides on Team CSC. Stuart gets double points for that smart career move. CSC is a powerhouse that will dominate professional cycling at least until Andy Schleck's contact expires in 2010.
  2. O'Grady is 34-years-old and is nicknamed "Stuey." Hmmmm.......Perhaps another cannibal -STEW-y?  Must investigate further.
  3. 2007 Paris-Roubaix winner. Now this is a HUGE accomplishment. That course is unbelievably difficult. It's like Alpe D'Huez times ten!
  4. 2008 Australian Olympic Cycling Team. Stuey PLEASE keep Simon away from Cadel Evans! The kid has potential. We don't want Cadel's bad habits to spread to the young racers.
  5. O'Grady has won 2 stages in the Tour de France. Go Stuey!
  6.  Stuart comes from a cycling family. His dad competed in the 1964 Olympics.
  7. Seems like a really nice, solid guy. 
In conclusion, there are many Australian Cyclists who DO rock. Unfortunately, Cadel Evans is not one of them.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The History of Cannibalism in the Tour de France: Or How I Take Cyclists' Nicknames to Insinuate Cannibalism Based on No Proof Whatsoever

I have decided to look at Pro Cyclists' nicknames in order to determine in a fair and unbiased manner those cyclists whose nicknames suggest that they have participated in cannibalistic acts to enhance their performance.

The Following is by no means an inclusive list and offers absolutely no proof that these men are cannibals. As always, I will present you with the information and let YOU, the reader, decide.

  1. Eddy Merckx: "The Cannibal" Pretty obvious case of flesh eating here.
  2. Djamolodine Abdoujaparov: "The Terminator" What is he terminating? Shloogs??!!
  3. Robert Alban: "Ban-Ban" Rhymes with bon-bon. A little too close for comfort.
  4. Francisco Cabelo: "Paco" Rhymes with taco. You decide
  5. Claudio Chiapucci: "Il Diablo" Anyone who is called the devil could possibly have a taste for human flesh.
  6. Mario Cipollini: "The Florentine Mouth" So he must like human flesh with spinach.
  7. Edgar Corredor: "Condorito" What do Condors eat I ask you?
  8. Laurent Fignon: "Le Professeur" Hannibal Lecter was a "professeur" too!
  9. Raphael Geminiani: "Le Grande Fusil" So this guy must have used a big gun in his hunting.
  10. Jose Gonzalez: "The Man with 8 Women" Wow- so this guy prefers gender specific meals.
  11. Bernard Hinault: "The Badger" The picture in a previous post pretty much proves this guy eats human flesh.
  12. Jose Jiminez: "El Chaba" This means "gross." Imagine what it must have been like to watch this guy eat?
  13. Ron Kiefel: "Wookie" 1) Rhymes with cookie 2) I wonder what exactly Chewbaca ate in those Star Wars movies? 
  14. Greg LeMonde: "The Monster" Pretty self explanatory.
  15. Stuart O'Grady: "Stuey" STEW-y. Get it?
  16. Marco Pantani: "Diabolino" I don't care if you are just a "little devil" Devils eat human flesh.
  17. Michel Pollentier: "Pollo" Is that what we taste like, Michel?
  18. Lucien Pothier: "The Butcher of Sens" Wow! No arguing this one folks. Maybe he butchered and O'Grady cooked?
  19. Ivan Quaranta: "The Cheetah" His hunting style perhaps?
  20. Francois Simon: "Spud" He must like potatoes on the side.
  21. Richard Virenque: "Spotted Dick" An English pudding or........EEEWWWWW!
  22. Sean Yates: "The Animal" Yes, I'm thinking that could suggest cannibalism.
  23. Just for laughs I Googled the term Hannibal and cyclists. Guess what popped up? A rash of cycling "accidents" has occurred recently in Hannibal, Missouri. Oh No! Isn't Christian VandeVelde from Missouri. Please Christian say it isn't so! 
  24. Cannibal Australia: Honest to Goodness- this is a Cycling Gear Co. Do you think "You-Know-Who" shops there?
Well I have presented my case (based on very flimsy evidence and hearsay) that some Pro Cyclists' nicknames suggest that they are, in fact, cannibals.

Now Dear Readers: You Decide!

OK- I Used an Image from a Zombie Movie instead of an Actual Picture of Hinault Attacking his Unsuspecting Victim

Here's the actual photo of the attack. Looks eerily similar to the 
zombie attack below, doesn't it?

Apparently, cannibalism is on the rise in Pro Cycling as the authorities crack down on "dopers." 

What better way to get fresh red blood cells, testosterone, and HGH/EPO? Fresh human cadavers replace CVS for Pro Cyclists. 



Doping or cannibalism: which is worse for the Tour? You decide.

Tempers and Anger Outbursts During le Tour: Past, Present and Future: Or Why Andy Schleck is a Pretty Nice Guy

Bernard Hinault and his Victim (2008)

In this entry I have tried to conduct and analyze some serious quantitative and qualitative data regarding anger outbursts of big name Tour contenders and winners from the past and present; while taking into consideration Andy Schleck's youth and lack of history I will try to make a prediction as to his future anger levels. 

Anger levels will be rated on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being a really sweet guy and say 8.5 for when Cadel Evans punched the guy who tried to touch his Credit Lyonnaise Lion. 

As you will always find in this blog; my findings will be fair, balanced, and unbiased.

Andy Schleck

(Note: Because Andy has such a short history I will automatically add 2 points to his total-- As always this blog presents fair and balanced truth with some fiction thrown in now and again.)
  1. Honest to Goodness: I can find nothing on this kid! He is just a nice guy all around. :)
  2. Another reason why Andy Rocks and Cadel does not.
Total: 2/10 (We all know this heavily weighted in an attempt to make Cadel look better.)

Bernard Hinault
  1. His demeanor and gritty facial expressions earned him the nickname "The Badger." 1.5/10
  2. Hinault was a brave exciting all-rounder with an infamously short temper. 3/10
  3. Bernard Hinault Tackles, Eats Protester - HOLY COW! Cannibalism is obviously a 20/10
  4. Hinault betrays teammate Greg LeMond in 1986. Team betrayal is up there in my book. 10/10.
  5. Hinault delivered a straight left to a striking shipyard worker who blocked the route of a spring race. I am trying to locate a picture of this To me this is assault hence 10/10
Total: 9.1/10 on the Angerometer. Cannibalism had to be double points. 

Greg LeMond
  1. LeMonde had heated words for Hinault when the race came back together. 1/10
  2. Told Hinault "Do you want me to punch you in the face?" after he found out that his team lied to him about how far back Hinault was. I see this remark as an appropriate response to a bunch of jerks. 1/10
  3. Don't know if this is paranoia or anger, but here is Greg trash talking Lance Armstrong: " He threatened my wife, my business, my life," LeMonde told the newspaper. "His biggest threat consisted of saying he would find 10 people to testify that I took EPO. Of course, he didn't find a single one." 
        1/10  This finding could be disputed, as I can't really distinguish the delusional tendencies          from the paranoia and anger. Feel free to voice your opinion.
       Total: 1/10 on the Anger-ometer

Cadel Evans
  1. Head butts cameraman. 4.5/10 Cameraman was probably a jerk anyway.
  2. Slaps reporter. 10/10 Again, when we get physical we are talking assault which is an automatic 10 on the Angerometer.
  3. Threatens spectator: "Touch my dog and I'll cut off your head." Automatic 10/10 when the threat is decapitation. 
(Note: I really think this guy is Bi-Polar or something. Watch some of these weird ass interviews. He's all nice and giggly and then he turns into a flippin' Tasmanian Devil. Don't let your fingers get too close to his mouth! You might taste like chicken to Cadel.)

Total: 8.2 on the Anger-ometer

Lance Armstrong
  1. 2002 Tour de France leader has nothing but contempt for the French police investigation of his USPS team. (They were investigating for doping) Contempt isn't really the same as anger so let's say....2/10
  2. Described as an "aloof, arrogant perfectionist." Type A personality is an automatic 2/10 on the Angerometer
  3. Rides are fueled by anger from a troubled childhood? He was brought up by a single mother. Nothing new here in the States, but does tend to screw kids up. 5/10
Total: 3/10 on the Anger-ometer

In summary, basically Andy Schleck is a sweet kid, Bernard Hinault and Cadel Evans are cuckoo and Lance and Greg are probably about average.

Andy Schleck and Team CSC Saxo Bank Gear Up for de la Vuelta a Espana!



Yay Team Astana is invited! Go Levi!

While Team CSC-Saxo Bank hasn't announced who will be racing in la Vuelta; I am assuming that Andy will be there. Team Silence Lotto is also invited, but Cadel may still be crying about the Tour and following up on his anger management issues. I am sure that Levi Leipheimer
is stoked and ready to go.

While some might not think Andy "has what it takes" to perform awesomely (still don't know if that's a word) in la Vuelta; I have found some statistics that prove that he can kick Silence Lotto's (more specifically)- Cadel Evans' big fat diva butt. The theory is this: what Andy and Carlos might lose in the flats they will easily make up in the climbs. You know the steep parts where Andy sings and reads his newspaper while Cadel is struggling to breathe and stay on his bike. Please see below: 

Time loss in 83km flat ITTs during Tour de France 2008 (to Evans)
Carlos Sastre: 1:22+0:29=1:51 (lost 1.3s/km
Andy Schleck: 1:08+1:57=3:05 (lost 2.2s/km)

Time loss in 43 km flat ITT during Giro 2007 (to Savoldelli)
Andy Schleck: 1:28 (lost 2.0s/km)

There are 40 climbs in la Vuelta. Andy should shred. (If he is racing)

Stay tuned: my next topic will be a mixed-methods research review of temper flare-ups and the increase in cannibalism in Pro Cycling.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Cadel Evans' (Anger Issues?) subtitle:More reasons why Cadel sucks.

Here is some more food for thought on why Cadel Evans sucks.

Cadel is deep in thought about his future anger management classes immediately following this year's tour. He seems to think that the word attack means he should attack interviewers instead of strategically in his racing. Idiot. 

Cadel has blown his top three times in post-race interviews and unfortunately (for Cadel) each one has been caught on film. 
  • First, some poor fan tried to touch Cadel's Credit Lyonnaise Lion. He slaps the poor guy not once, but TWICE! What a jerk!
  • Second, an innocent bystander accidentally collided with Cadel's dog. Cadel's response: "Stand on my dog and I'll cut your head off!" Check out the video if you don't believe me!   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-fe79ZuDKfk
  • Third, Head-butting a camera man really takes the cake don't you think?
Learn about Cadel's anger issues in more detail at:

John McEnroe look out! There is a bigger a-hole than you in professional sports!

Andy Schleck's Logo

Even his logo is cool!

Cadel Evans' Quotes (My Interpretations)

Cadel seems to think that just because he was kicked in the head by a horse at age 7, he understands pain. To me this just indicates that he doesn't understand the concept of -Head + Horse Hooves = Stupid.

Here are some quotes from the Aussie that demonstrate his stupidity:
1. "I can hang in there and suffer for hours longer than the others"
      Who are you kidding Cadel? Why'd you throw your helmet at that interviewer? Because your shoulder hurt, crybaby.
Cadel, #2 is first of the losers according to Homer Simpson.
2. Stage 16 "I'm dehydrated and I'm cramping."
    This happens to me every month you big crybaby. Take some Midol and suck it up, Cadel. 
3. Time Trial: " I rode a really good time trial, and some other people just had an incredible, incredible time trial...what can I do?" 
     These other people have names, Cadel. Can you say Steegmans, Freire, Ciolek, McEwen, Hushovd, etc etc etc????? As I recall You came in 24th during the time trial. My boy Andy Schleck came in 30th. Not to mention there is ALOT you can do. Try pedaling instead of crying!

Even crashes can't stop Andy Schleck!

Are other riders out to get Andy? Yes! On July 10th in a sneaky move; Yellow Jersey wearer Stefan Schumacher "accidentally" (yeah right) clipped the wheel of of Kim Kirchen. This caused Andy to lose time as he was caught up behind the crash. 

Conspiracy against Andy or accident? You decide.

What Does Andy Schleck Think of Bernard Kohl?

OK- I admit that I have no idea what Andy Schleck thinks of Bernard Kohl. But I would like you to take advantage of the poll on the right of your screen to vote on who is the best looking: Bernard Kohl, Kitten #1, or Kitten #2.

Bernard Kohl had an outstanding tour. Not only was he King of the Mountains and finished the Tour on the podium in the Polka Dot Jersey (no shabby feat there.) He also finished a respectable 9th place (followed by my man "Big George" Hincappie) in the time trial. This guy can ride. 

Have you ever really watched how he rides though? It's like a combination of the chicken dance, some kind of bizarre Eurodance move, or maybe he is just kind of a spaz. I am certainly no expert on any of these conditions. However, he does get the job done. 

Maybe it's the chimney sweeping. Yes he is a chimney sweep by trade which shows how much Tour riders DON'T make. I imagine he has to contort his body into some pretty weird positions in those Austrian chimneys. Maybe his chimney sweep days are done after his 2008 Tour performance. Go Bernard!

By the way; the average domestique makes about 47,000$ American. Pathetic considering what these guys can do.

Andy Schleck White Jersey

Look at that smile! How can anyone not like this guy? Except for maybe.....CADEL EVANS???

Keep reading so I can explain why Andy Schleck is awesome and Cadel Evans is not.

Why the French Hate Andy Schleck

First of all Gimme a break! Do we really need that French Customs Guy doing a Karate,Kung-Fu, Judo- whatever move to get Jonny Schleck (Andy's dad) to stop his car? I mean really, the car is obviously stopped so what the hell is this shloog - ooops sorry "customs officer" trying to prove? 

Andy and Frank have both been A-OK with regard to doping. Sorry French Customs Guy- they're not French, but jeez do you have to be such a jerk.

A clear case of ethnic profiling and why the French hate everyone except the French. Luxembourgers have the right to drive in France too, Mr. Customs Officer.

One word for you Francophiles out there- jaloux

Why Andy Schleck Rocks!

Andy Schleck Rocks for multiple reasons. He has a cute smile. He shreds mountains, time trials and is pretty much an excellent generalist.

The only reason he didn't go for more this year is because:
a. He is too young and hasn't paid his dues yet
b. He didn't want to take any of his (older) brother Frank's thunder away
c. CSC had the biggies like Sastre and Frank who Andy supported awesomely (is that a word?)
d. He has a cute smile

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Andy Schleck: Best Biker in the Universe

Why Andy Schleck is the Best Bike Rider in the Universe and
 Cadel Evans is Not.

1. Is Andy Schleck on the podium? Yes. Is Cadel Evans? No.
2.He smiles as he kicks butt on Alpe D'Huez.
3. He is actually 23, but he looks like he is about 13.
4. He sings as he climbs the mountains while Cadel Evans can barely breathe.
5. He was nice to Cadel Evans (my interpretation of Andy's conversations with Cadel) "Cadel, what is the matter? Do your legs hurt? Mine don't. Why are you breathing so hard, Cadel Evans? Do you want me to ride back down the mountain to get some help for you? Would you like to sing a little song with me?"
6. Andy Shreds.
7. Prediction: He will win Many Tours in the Future!!!!
8. Sorry about the picture of Bernard Kohl- He's next on my critique.

Bernard Kohl: Why he is the biggest duffus in the 2008 Tour de France: See my later (guilty conscience) Retraction

1. Look at him.
2. He fell off the ramp before the time trial.
3. He is a chimney sweep by profession. "Chim Chimminy Chim Chimminy Chim Chim Charoo"
4. He looks a little too excited when he gets kissed by the French girls on the podium.
5. Yeah, Yeah I know he is King of the Mountains.
6. Yeah I know he did well in the time trial
7. He is King of the Mountains and he still fell off the ramp at the time trial=duffus.

Cadel Evans: Why Cadel Evans Sucks

1. Too much hype.
2. Never attacks. Duh Cadel, If you want to win you have to attack (dumbass)
3. Marginal at best Time Trial.
4. What the hell is a "Vegamite Sandwich?" Why on earth would anyone live in a country where you might have to eat one?
5. Crybaby.
6. Serious Anger Issues. I'm talking violent! Check out this video- I can't understand what the heck the guy is saying, but I SURE know what Cadel is saying: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qrpL6BA6PBQ

1. He is American
2. Seems like a nice guy.
3.From Missouri yet seems to have turned out OK anyway.
4. He is an American.

George Hincappie: Why Big George Rocks!

1. Solid.
2. Notice the term "big" attached to his name?
3. 12 tours- Holy Crap- he really does rock!
4. He prefers Macs to PCs (no brainer) Go George!
5. Also American